apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
