It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
