I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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