I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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