Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I think I am morally bankrupt
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
