Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
