Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Randomize
