You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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