TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize