please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
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