are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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