mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
