Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
