I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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