the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
