i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
