There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
