Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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