remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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