Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
