She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
