Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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