I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
