I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
