I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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