I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
it was like eating out sand paper
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
