i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
