you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Randomize
