there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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