we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize