I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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