We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Randomize
