I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Randomize
