wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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