Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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