sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Still dying that you shit outside
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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