i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
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