i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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