sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
