my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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