Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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