i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
