On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
