dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
