she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
