I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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