You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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