Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
