I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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