Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
