fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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