Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
