Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
