I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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