Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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