My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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