Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
