Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I currently don't understand fingers.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
