really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
