Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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