nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Randomize
