Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
