I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
